My last breath

This poem has been written as part of an art therapy programme provided by Nine Red Presents.

The poems depict the very real and raw emotions from survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault. We understand there are many challenges faced when leaving a relationship, or coming forward to report abusive behaviour, but you are not alone.

If you are affected by anything you read in this poem, then please follow the links for support.

This poem is a survivor’s tale, an inner narrative of shame and self-blame and a snapshot of the flashbacks that can grip and hold sometimes. We commend the survivor for sharing their story.

My Last Breath

I knew that I was taking my last breath

This brings a certain clarity

My flesh torn and my body broken

By this monster still on top of me

Inside me

 

I know that I am about to die

Unless the Angels save me

A truly tragic waste of life

I shall be nothing more than a memory

Remember me

 

My left eye is swollen shut, it won’t open

My right is sealed by congealed blood

My body paralysed by fear and damage

Whilst he holds me down and thrusts and thuds

He’s hurting me

 

And there I was; consumed in darkness

But could feel a weight upon my chest

Something trickled across my stomach

I thought I was buried, but not laid to rest

Find me

 

It hurts my soul to admit the truth

But I could see no other way to survive

His tear filled face was the weight on my chest

I think he thought I was no longer alive

He killed me

 

I cannot explain the reason why

Bravery, strength, broken, weakness or fear

While he cried with his head on my chest

I soothed his pain and wiped away his tears

Stupid me

 

So as I took my final breath

It was not my body that was about to die

My wounds would heal, the scars will fade

But the memory haunts me every day of my life

I wish he killed me

 

I died that day, and repeatedly since

I’m no longer that girl, bubbly and strong

I join the ranks of the walking dead

While the unwelcome days of life move slowly on.

 

If you were affected by this blog, remember there is support available.

We have a dedicated domestic abuse team – Emerald – which is always on hand to support.

If you are a victim of domestic abuse you can contact Bedfordshire Victim Care Services, which offers free and confidential support regardless of whether the crime was reported to the police.

There is a number of support organisations which you can contact by phone or online. In an emergency always call 999.

Mental health crisis support for all ages is available 24 hours a day every day across Bedfordshire and Luton by contacting NHS 111 (option 2) or the Samaritans on 116 123 (freephone).

If you have concerns about your partner you might be eligible to ask the police about their past through the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme, also known as Clare’s Law. Read more and submit an application.